All blog posts must be in this category.

Mortal Beings, a new collection of my poetry, is being published this May by Finishing Line Press of Georgetown, KY. 

Not surprisingly, the favor I’d like to ask is that you purchase a copy or two. And the favor is even more than that – I’m asking that you PRE-purchase copies before March 15, and here’s why:

It used to be that when an author’s manuscript was accepted, the publisher took over everything from that point on – all editing, interior design, title, cover design, press-run decisions, promotion, marketing, and probably a few things more that I’m forgetting now.

Those were, perhaps, the good old days. That system was far easier for the author who had less responsibility for the finished product. It was also more frustrating for the author, who had little further to say about the processes that created the book.

Now, especially with the smaller presses that currently publish poetry, the author is much more engaged in creating the book. For Mortal BeingsI got to choose the book title, the cover illustration (a wonderful abstract photo by my friend Corrine Bayley), the organization of the poems.

I’m also asked to participate in the promotion for the book, and here’s the benefit of your favor to me: The more books you and your friends buy during the two months of pre-sale, the more benefits the author (that’s ME) gets from the publisher – more author’s copies, more review copies, more promotional efforts by the publisher, more submissions for awards and recognitions.

If we can tally up 155 pre-publication sales of the book before March 15, I will be well-compensated and very pleased. And my poems will move further afield, making their way into the hands of those who appreciate moving, well-told stories.

Please link with  and click on either “Preorder Forthcoming Titles” or “Bookstore,” then input either Cynthia Trenshaw or  Mortal Beings  in the search box. Mortal Beings  costs $14.99. If you have friends or family who would be interested, please forward this blog post to them as well.

THANK YOU for considering a preorder of Mortal Beings. And thank you for tolerating this month’s totally self-serving blog post.

Other recent publishing news for me:

Five of my poems are in the January 2019 issue of the gorgeous online literary journal called “Peacock Journal.” They are at:

And the Winter 2018 Issue of “Redheaded Stepchild” magazine carries my poem entitled “Prism.” It can be found at:

This is an important time for me in my writing career, and I’m grateful to you for your enthusiastic support. Please let me know if there is a way I can reciprocate in the days ahead.

Photo by thost
Photo by thost

It’s Christmas Time, late December, when capitalists celebrate Consumerism, Pagans celebrate Winter Solstice, and Christians celebrate the birth of Jesus. During Christmas Time I sometimes remember the day I was out shopping with my three small children in tow. They overheard another shopper swear, “Jesus H. Christ!”, and one of the kids asked me, in all innocence, what Jesus’ middle name was. Taken aback, I asked him what made him ask that. “Well, that man said Jesus’ middle name began with an H, so what did the H stand for?” Thinking quickly (which mothers with young children have to do on a regular basis), I replied, “Well, I’m not sure, honey, but I think it was probably ‘Holy.’” 

Whew, got around that one!

There is nothing quite so fraught in the lives of new parents as the choosing of a child’s name. There can be all sorts of strings attached, all sorts of underlying intentions and considerations and traps. Whom shall we honor, or remember, or please, or piss off? If we give her this name, what is she likely to be nicknamed? What will the acronym of the name be? Will that distant elderly relative leave us a bequest for that child? If we MUST use an aunt’s out-dated name, can we hide it as an initial in the middle of the child’s name and only reveal the name if necessary?

I never thought of my mother’s mother, Gertrude Quick, as having a sense of humor until I realized that she’d named her daughter Dorothy Blanche, and her son John Biery – “Dorothy Be Quick” and “John Be Quick.” Cute.

My husband and I named our firstborn “Joseph Thomas Trenshaw.” That was a home run name – in one brilliant choice he became the namesake of four: his two grandfathers: Joseph Thomas (my father), and Joseph Trenshaw (my husband’s father); his uncle: Joseph Thomas (my brother); and his father: Joseph Trenshaw (my husband). That was a LOT of Josephs in one family, so we called him by his middle name, Tommy.

I have no middle name. When I’m filling out a form in a medical office or a bank I just put a line through the blank space asking for a middle initial. (I’ve also been known to answer “Person to call in an emergency” with “Doctor” and to fill the blank for “sex” with “occasionally.” But that may be too much information for my readers!)

I don’t have a middle name. This is because (I was told), when I married I would – “of course” – use my maiden name to fill that gap. I was at least twenty-five years old before I realized the huge presumptions in that explanation: when (not “if”) I married, I would take my husband’s surname, and I would want to keep my maiden name as part of my identity. I was at least forty before those presumptions made me really angry.

I did get married, at age 19. I did take my husband’s surname. But I did not keep my maiden name as a middle name. At first it was because I simply wanted to have some say in the matter. Later, out of sheer spite, I chose to continue having no middle name, ever.

And you know, I haven’t missed it a bit.

book photo

[photo by Comfreak]

Many Octobers ago, I said to myself, “This is as good a time as any.” I pulled out a 5×8 blank book that was stashed among my office supplies, and began “My Book of Blessings.” The first blessing I wrote was “For Christina’s suggestion that I record a daily blessing, Thank You.”

That blessing was written on October 13, 2004. Since then I have recorded four-thousand eight-hundred forty-eight blessings. My third blank book will be filled by the end of this year, and a fourth one is waiting patiently for me to initiate it.

If I had to evacuate my home in an emergency, my three Blessings Books are what I would grab just after my wallet and keys.

I have instructed my friends that, when I lie dying, I want to be read to from my Blessings Books. Just randomly, not in any particular order. I want to be reminded of how good – how blessed – my life has been. And, if I am able, I might want to elaborate on blessings that I remember especially fondly. Mostly, however, there are not connected stories, just a grateful noticing and remembering of something from each day.

These blessings are small, simple, usually just one a day – like,

(#814, 1/4/07) “Saw an owl in flight tonight by full moon. Thank You” and

(#1214, 2/8/08) “Planted a yellow primrose in the rain. Thank You” and

(#1764, 8/11/09) “Saw the Wild Horses sculptures above the Columbia River, again after 20 years. Thank You” and

(#2969, 10/16/12) “Carrot/ginger soup. Thank You” and

(#3130, 10/15/13) “Hundreds of orb webs strung between overhead power lines and illuminated by a fresh coat of fog. Thank You.”

Sometimes I can’t choose just one noticing, and so I record a string of wonderful things. Like

(#4315, 6/6/17) “Morning sun through red poppies, bunnies frolicking, a gourmand deer, spectacular Olympic Mountains, and meals with friends. Thank You.”

And sometimes I even acknowledge the blessing in painful things, like

(#3707, 12/5/15) “Totally exhausted from 16 hours of retreat facilitation work in one day. Nevertheless . . . Thank You” and

(#4566, 2/15/18) “Feeling my heart break over yet more gun violence. May my heartbreak be my prayer. Thank You.”

No blessing is too small to be recorded: (#4430, 9/30/17) “Brown basmati rice. Thank You.” And no blessing is too huge: (#4815, 10/22/18) “Leo died at about 2:00 this afternoon. I am grieving deeply. For his amazing life, Thank You.”

On Thanksgiving Day last week, after the feast, and after the leftovers were divided up and sent home with guests, and after the dishwasher was running, I pulled out my three Blessings Books, and thumbed through them for an hour or so. Then I held them in my hands, placed them over my heart, and whispered, “Oh yes, Thank You, so very much!”

Then I put them back on the shelf, so I’ll know right where they are . . . in case I ever have to evacuate my home in an emergency!

NOTE: POETRY PUBLISHED – “Peacock Journal,” a lovely online literary journal devoted to beauty, is publishing five of my poems in December at . (Unsure yet about exactly which week. But the poems will be held in the journal’s archives over the next year) And stay tuned next month for a pre-publication notice of Mortal Beings, my first book of poetry, to be published by Finishing Line Press.

OVER MY LIFETIME I’ve had many opportunities to learn about grief. I’ve lost a lot of close family members: one brother, four grandparents, one son, two uncles, two parents and a mother-in-law, one husband.

When a family member dies, there are all those departure-from-life tasks to be attended to, most immediately the care and disposal of the body: Embalming? Traditional burial? Green burial? Cremation? Keep or disperse the cremains? Funeral, memorial service, non-traditional ceremony, or none at all? This decision-making can feel onerous, but in fact it is a welcomed, if temporary, diversion from grief.

There may be a glut of sympathy cards. Does one keep them in a pile? For how long? Or put them in a scrapbook to be reread over the years? Or does one angrily rip them into shreds because the pre-printed sentiments don’t begin to address the reality of grief’s pain?

Then there are the sale/disposal/transferral of personal belongings, real estate, financial holdings, accounts needing to be closed and bills to be paid. Even when my 13-year-old son died and there was no estate, and few financials besides medical bills, it still seemed as if there was a lot of paperwork. And one must “be strong” and keep up a good front to attend to all these things. Mourning can come eventually, but not now.

Even with the best advance planning, and the decisions already made, the ”plan” still has to be implemented, and the bulk of grieving can be postponed until “later, when things settle down.”

BUT THIS WEEK I learned something new about grieving. When a dear friend dies, there are seldom any sympathy cards. There is no official role for a friend to play, no tasks that occupy and hold grief at bay. There is only raw mourning, and the tender empty hole inside, a dismally dark hole because the light of my friend’s life has been extinguished.

Because we were both wise, my friend and I had said our goodbyes, each time we were together. Together we’d considered the fact that one of us would die first, and that the remaining friend would miss that one dreadfully. We’d always said, “I love you,” even in his last conscious moments before he was too weak to mumble much more.

So there were no loose ends to be tied up when my friend died. No departure-from-life tasks to distract me. And there are no more dinner dates, no more silly spontaneous limericks, no more fretting over politics, no more swapping stories and sharing village concerns.

Now there are only the severed cords of our no-longer-being-together. They dangle, fraying, swaying in the damp gray winds of October.

Oh god, Leo, we were right. This one who remains misses you dreadfully.

Leo E. Baldwin July 23, 1920 – October 22, 2018

Photo by Christin Chaya

care photo

On her way out my front door my friend turned back and said, “Take care.”

I use that phrase all the time.

Sometimes it is a caution, meaning be careful, drive safely, don’t do anything foolish.

Sometimes it is a wish, may things go well for you.

Sometimes it means be good to yourself.

Often it’s a sign off, goodbye, tata, see ya later.

But this time, when my friend turned back and said, “Take care,” I heard the phrase in a new and powerful way.

It happened earlier this month. I had just returned from an unexpected three days in our local hospital. I had received blood transfusions, tests, and excellent nursing skills for what I was told was “life-threatening anemia,” a reprise of my longer hospital stay in March. (Cause so-far undetermined.)

My friend had stopped by the day I got home to assure herself that I was okay, to hear my story and keep me company for half an hour, and to leave prepared food for my supper.

And when she left, saying, “take care,” I heard it as a reminder to me to TAKE all the care I was being offered. This was not a time for me to be heroic or stoic, not a time to think I can do it all by myself. This was not a time to judge myself as being weak or whiney or unworthy.

This was a member of my circle of chosen friends, a part of my village, telling me, “We are here for you. Whatever you need, we will try to provide it. We are all grown-ups, and we will tell you if we can’t manage what you ask, but please ASK, and please be willing to RECEIVE. You’ll have your chance to reciprocate when you are well. So TAKE care.”

I am so very blessed, and so very grateful.

And to you, reading this, I offer the phrase, complete with its expanded meaning: whenever you are in need, reach out; and TAKE CARE.

care photo



I have been sorting through memorabilia.



Five generations worth of photos, newspaper clippings, report cards, dance cards, grade school art, certificates, ticket stubs, merit badge cards . . . you know – memorabilia.

This week I found a large black-and-white photo of my brother, Jay, tall and handsome. He looks to be about 21 or 22, so I would have been 13. He’s wearing a white tuxedo jacket. He is pinning a boutonnière on the lapel of our uncle, a military physician, who is also wearing a formal white jacket. I put the photo in the “keep” pile, mostly because it was a mystery to me. I could not remember, nor even imagine, the circumstances behind this image.

I sorted through many more inches of papers and photos before I quit for the day. Then, later that afternoon, it came to me: that photo must have been taken on the day of my cousin Judy’s wedding. Jay would have been a groomsman. I remembered nothing about the ceremony nor the reception. But I retrieved a fragment of an emotion, and then a flash of memory: we’re on our family’s long drive home from the wedding celebration. I am looking pensively out the back window of the car and crying; I’m stroking Jay’s thick wavy hair as he sleeps with his head on my lap. Then other wispy fragments, hardly big enough to be called memories, squirmed around inside me: Jay drinking too much at the reception; my humiliated parents; us packing up in embarrassment and heading home. Angry parents in the front seat, with our youngest sibling between them. Jay passed out in the back seat. And me, his adoring sister, holding him to protect us both from being pummeled by powerful emotional undercurrents I don’t quite understand.

One week after that photo was taken, Jay would begin medical school. Two weeks later was his own wedding ceremony. And just three weeks after that Jay would die in a private plane crash.

It’s a poignant story. I clearly remember getting word of his death, and much of everything that happened in the following weeks. But I was blind-sided by my brief memory of siding with him and comforting him that one day six weeks before he died. Without the mystery photo that memory might never have surfaced.

As I’ve sorted memorabilia I’ve gleaned a few items to save, culled most into “recycle” or “burn pile” bags; I’ve held and considered each and every piece before deciding which goes where.

But philosophically I am puzzled, wondering what is the purpose of this exercise. What good did it do, that particular memory of Jay? How do these pieces of my history serve me? Why not just dump everything? Or why don’t I leave all the boxes stuffed under my bed and let my progeny worry about the contents?

And here’s another, more perplexing question: of what value are memories in general? Would it be such a tragedy to develop dementia? I expect all my memories to evaporate anyway, when I die; or perhaps I’ll be presented with all my memories at once for me to review in something like a film called “Cynthia’s Life Condensed Into Two Minutes.” So why am I caught up in the sorting of memories now? (Probably Inie, my beloved Jungian therapist from thirty years ago, would have an answer, offered in her gentle Dutch accent. But I think I’d rather figure it out for myself.)

How much of my life’s details have I forgotten? Far more than those I remember.

How many of those forgotten memories are important to me now? Not many, I’ll bet.

Would I want to change any of the details of my life if I could? No, not even the really painful ones. Because I like who I am, and I couldn’t have become who I am without everything that adds up to be me.

Here’s a thought: maybe it’s more important to try to bless each moment as it happens, and then let it go, confident that it has served my life’s inscrutable purpose. Instead of GATHERING memories, maybe I should just BE the sum of them in the moment.

Nevertheless, I suspect I’ll continue doggedly pulling one box after another out from under my bed; I’ll continue sorting through the contents, keeping some, discarding most, and finding an occasional gem that helps me honor and appreciate, even more, all the moments that have contributed to a life that I really like a lot.

retreat photoIt seems that my May blog post on “stillness, silence, and solitude” struck a vibrant chord with readers. I’ve heard from several folks yearning to “go on retreat,” but then wondering how one prepares to “do” a retreat?

One SOS email came from a woman wanting to bail out of a retreat that ended up far more congested with other people than she anticipated. She felt herself “constricting” away from her co-retreatants, wanting to be alone. But, she said, that “feels a bit scary, because I have not learned to structure solo retreats for myself. Maybe I’ll create a daily schedule for myself that involves meditating, writing, walking, reading. Is that how it works, oh solo-retreat guru ;-)) ??”

I fear I have a somewhat ill-gotten reputation for retreating. Perhaps I’ve made my retreats sound way more spiritual and satisfying than the reality might warrant. I thought: oh, if only she knew how I REALLY “do” my retreats! But then, I guess that’s why she wrote to me, so I told her honestly: I’m an introvert; I understand “constricting.” I do it all the time. If remaining constantly “open” to others is what I’m supposed to learn, I’ll work on that one in my next lifetime, thank you. I wouldn’t survive if I couldn’t curl up in my snail-shell and close its door (it’s called an “operculum,” by the way, at least for snails, and maybe for retreatants too).

In fact, THAT’S what a retreat means to me – pulling back from daily demands to be very alone, with just myself and – if I choose to allow Her to join me (She never insists) – with the Holy One.

As for structuring solo retreats: the only advance planning I do is to answer these questions:

1) what do I hope for from this time away?

– to listen more clearly for the voice of the Divine?

– to write six poem drafts each day?

– to sleep as much as possible? (if so, do not take a clock)

– to simply wander in Nature and notice?

[note to self: focus on just ONE of the above – if you try to cram everything into a few days, you might as well stay home.]


2) where shall I go?

I’ve often stayed in inexpensive motel rooms, ones that have a small fridge, a coffee maker, a microwave, and a desk.

The hospitality offered by religious sisters, especially those of the Benedictine Order, comes with the option of spiritual direction, meals with the sisters (often silent), and is imbued with a gracious warmth – you can design your own solo retreat, do not need to follow any set pattern, do not need to be Catholic. (Check out

However, I’m on a fixed income, and often I’ve been lucky enough to be offered hospitality by a variety of friends who have a studio, a guest house, a mother-in-law apartment, a guest room. The difficult part for me is the asking. It’s worth it to take the risk.


3) do I really want to lug twelve books with me?

Leave behind the spirituality books (do I care what someone else thinks, or do I want to learn what I think and what I hear inside?). Leave behind the how-to-pen-the-perfect-poem books (if writing is the focus, just DO the writing). Okay, maybe take two books of well-written poetry for inspiration, plus one well-written novel to fall asleep with. That’s plenty.


4) what shall I eat?

– if I’m going to cook, have I packed all the ingredients and utensils I’ll need?

– if I’m only going to snack, will I be satisfied, and do I have enough finger-food? (Sometimes being on retreat builds up a powerful appetite.)

[note to self: eating at restaurants breaks the rhythm and the spell of away-time – not recommended.]


5) is there any special clothing I’ll need?

– do I plan to get out of my pajamas at any time during this retreat?

– am I likely to need a rain jacket or hiking shoes?


So much for “structure.” I generally avoid anything planned or facilitated by anyone else. And I seldom go away with anyone else unless I am certain they are of like mind and know how to be silent and solitary. If I do go with another, we may share check-ins during a pre-chosen time each day. Otherwise, we agree to be mostly in our own snail-shells.

Don’t use cellphone or internet. Both cellphone and wi-fi can decimate an operculum!

The real “secret” of a retreat, for me – the real magic – is closing my operculum, but opening myself interiorly and letting go to whatever emerges there. Being an incurable wordsmith, I usually journal the thoughts or questions that arise, but I don’t try to reach definitive answers – nor finished manuscripts – in the moment; answers and obsessions close off the creative/holy flow just as would a crowd of people (or the internet) clamoring to be listened to.

For me, becoming comfortable within a silent-spirally-alone-uncertainty is what retreats are all about.retreat photo

bird feeder photo

My favorite chair is one next to the large window overlooking a dozen flower pots and three bird feeders. At least twenty different species visit those feeders, and I love getting to know them and learning their behaviors.


I want to know the names of all my avian visitors. (I think it’s unfair, however, that the birds “change clothes” with the changing seasons, and the purple finch that I recognized in his spring finery isn’t as easily identified in late summer.)


Robin photoA name, for me, is like a jewelry box into which I put everything that I experience and all that I learn about, for example, the robin. In my Robin jewelry box are such things as

  • how “common and ordinary” I think the bird is, but every spring I’m amazed again at how big and bright he is when he’s hoping to attract a mate
  • the robin’s songs at twilight, repetitive and full of gratitude
  • the corner of my deck railing that becomes his personal porta-potty while he sings
  • the stubborn bird that keeps bashing his head against my window, fighting off the “competitor” he sees reflected there. Neither he nor his equally persistent rival will give up the fight until they’re too exhausted to go on.


 photo I have an avian jewelry box labeled Flicker.  The gems in that box are

  • that huge black bib and the red cheek splotch and all those polka dots!
  • learning that flicker’s tongue wraps around his brain to cushion it when he’s pounding on a tree (or a roof) – how wonderful is that?
  • the memory of the flicker who cost me $110 a couple of years ago. He wanted the neighborhood ladies to understand his sexiness, and his pounding on my home’s metal roof vents sent reverberations throughout the house exhaust system. Unfortunately, that was before I had a Ficker jewelry box, and I didn’t yet understand flicker habits, so I called in a heating repairman to see what was “wrong” with my propane furnace and my propane fireplace log, and why were they making that odd unpredictable noise!


Yesterday I had a close encounter with a hummingbird. Unbeknownst to me this hummer flew into my garage as I was backing my car out. Several hours later I drove back into the hummingbird photogarage and found him, exhausted, fluttering weakly against the inside of the garage window, frantic to get out. Hummingbird feet can only clasp around something narrow; they cannot stand or walk on flat surfaces. So this poor hummer could not rest safely anywhere. I was able to capture him in my hand, a tiny, fragile, depleted, trembling creature. I confess I held him a minute or two longer than I needed to, just to soak up the miraculous fact of his being. Then I carried him out to my front garden and watched him soar up into the birch tree. Wow, did he have a story to tell when he got home! And I had a beautiful new gem to add to my Hummingbird jewelry box.


jewelry box photo

silence photo


In emails from friends, in blog posts, in discussions over tea, more and more often lately I’m noticing certain words:





In poetry and books of prose, in conversations at the grocery store, in magazines, there they are again:





Is it just that I happen to notice these particular words? Is it because they all begin with S, and I love alliteration? Or are these words slowly becoming more important in all our thoughts?


Are we becoming more aware of our lack of spaces for emptiness and quiet? Am I hearing appeals for, longings for, these simple states of being?


Here’s what I think: There is a STILLNESS that is different from silence. This stillness is a quieting of the mind and the body in the midst of mental chatter and bustling schedules. This stillness is refreshing.


The SILENCE we seek is the absence of human-made sounds, those produced by electronic devices or motorized vehicles or even sounds spoken or sung. We long for vibrations made by nature, like bird calls and wind through pines, rainfall and river song, bumble bees and hummingbird flight.


I understand SOLITUDE as that sort of being alone that is not lonely, but filled with the opportunity to listen for the whisper of the Divine. Solitude is a rest from interacting with others, a celebration of sabbath not because it’s required but because it nourishes.


Yesterday I received an email from a friend who has arrived in Santiago de Compostela, Spain, after a month as a pilgrim walking the Camino de Santiago. Sadly, the Camino has become such a popular “vacation destination” that there was little sense of solitude about it for her. She writes, “It seems that the longer I am gone the more I become protective of my private spaces.” Even in the midst of a “pilgrimage” she hungers for more solitude and stillness and silence.


A few weeks ago a friend and I rented a cottage for a three-day writing retreat. We decided to do no cooking, just snack when we felt like it. We brought crackers, peanut butter, string cheese, apples, granola, and bananas. We each claimed a corner of the common space for our writing, spending hours in stillness and silence. For long stretches of time we were either unaware of each other, or present in a nonintrusive way. It was a delicious, creative, and nourishing time.


As I’ve been pondering them, I realize that stillness, silence, and solitude are opportunities that come with a privileged life. For people who are wage-earners, those who have children to raise or loved ones to care for, those who don’t have the luxury of disappearing from their daily routines, some of their most creative work may be finding a fragment of time here or there in which to experience such gifts. (I remember when, as a young mother with three children under the age of four, the most creative thing I could do to nourish my soul was to lock myself in the bathroom for five minutes and just breathe!)


I grieve for the millions of people crammed into crowded refugee camps and tenements and homeless shelters, who are denied even a moment of the blessings of stillness, silence, and solitude.


I don’t have any conclusions to draw from these thoughts. I have only the certainty that these gifts are profoundly precious, and I commit myself to appreciating as much of each of them as my days can hold.


Four years ago when I first began this blog column, it was with reluctance, and solely for the purpose of promoting my not-yet published book, Meeting in the Margins: An Invitation to Encounter Society’s Invisible People. It was one of those things, like ”having a Facebook presence” and hiring a publicist, that folks in the field said I had to do in order to successfully market my upcoming book.

So I began a Facebook page – which I’ve mostly ignored ever since. I hired a professional publicist, an expensive exercise in futility. And I made a commitment to myself that I would write and post one essay each month, for the purpose of marketing my book.


Even though it amazes me how fast the end of each month seems to approach, I have kept that promise. I’ve found that I really enjoy having a forum on which to air some thoughts, and how I enjoy having readers who respond to those ideas. Most of my posts have NOT been about my book, per se, but about the wide variety of margins that are part of our culture.


However, this month, in my 57th blog post, I need to crow again about Meeting in the Margins. The book just won a gold medal in the Independent Publisher Book Awards – the “IPPY.” My award is in the Social Issues/Humanitarian category, and it’s very satisfying to have the book nationally recognized in this way. The IPPY comes with no monetary reward, but I do receive a certificate and a “gold” medal on a neck ribbon. PLUS, I get to affix gold medallion stickers to every cover of the book from now on!


That’s pretty much all I had to say this month. Except perhaps to invite you to stop by for a cup of tea, and I’ll let you take a turn at polishing my gold medal!